The Spider-Man Principle

You probably know Spider-Man’s origin story. He was bitten by a radioactive spider and gained remarkable abilities. Initially he decided to use those abilities in selfish ways, to make money as a wrestler. He passes up an opportunity to become a hero by stopping a criminal, only to later learn that criminal has killed his beloved Uncle Ben. And then he learns a profound lesson: “With great power comes great responsibility.” Having passed up the role of hero, he finds himself feeling obligated to be a hero.

In many ways that principle applies to being a dom as much as it applies to being a superhero. Our subs give us great power over them, and to them, we are superheroes, at least temporarily during play. We seem awe-inspiring to them, larger than life, powerful in a way they don’t feel themselves to be.

There are lots of reasons subs see us this way. Maybe they think we’re handsome or striking-looking. Maybe it’s because we’re athletic and show how hard we work in the gym and they don’t think they could do that. Maybe it’s because they like how we look in leather or rubber or spandex or boots. Maybe they’re just weak for middle fingers and feet. Maybe they need a father figure or someone who represents stability in their lives. Maybe we represent sexual liberation. Maybe we’re the space where they don’t have to compete as men.

Regardless, they see us as superheroes, men (and women) daring enough to break the rules, assert dominance over others, express our cruelty, our arrogance, our greed, our inner strength, in ways they admire and feel weak for. On some level, they don’t see us a normal people, but as something distinctly above them.

And because of that, they look to us for things they need: humiliation, protection, guidance, sexual aggression, and so on. They want us to rescue them from whatever enemy plagues them: heteronormativity, loneliness, a lifetime of vanilla, the rootlessness of being unowned, virginity, and so on.

Either for a scene or for a relationship, we get to be superheroes for them. And that means, like Spider-Man, we have a responsibility toward them. We have a responsibility to look out for their well-being, listen to their problems and give them the guidance they need to deal with deal with those problems, teach them what healthy kink looks like, teach them that they have limits and that’s ok, teach them that even if we humiliate and use them like inferiors we can still respect and care for them, teach them how to balance inferiority with mental health, and so on.

Unfortunately, far too many would-be doms are still in their “Spider-Man looking out for himself” phase. They think they actually are better than mere mortals and therefore don’t need to be decent human beings. Or they’re looking for money and aren’t thinking about the ethics of kink (Insta-Doms, I’m calling you out here). Or they imagine they don’t actually need other people. Or they’re so deep in the fantasy of power they haven’t learned how to do things like bondage or pain play safely.

Eventually, though, Uncle Ben dies. Maybe the dom has been such an asshole that subs know not to play with him anymore. Maybe he’s not good enough to make a living as a findom (because most findoms aren’t) and that discovery really crushes his sense of self-worth. Maybe some other crisis sets in and he discovers that his online subs aren’t there for him. Maybe he injures a sub and feels wracked with guilt (or hospital or legal bills…). Maybe he starts to get older and finds that guys don’t find him so attractive anymore.

But regardless of the details, it will happen at some point. Because even if we’re Spider-Man, we’re also Peter Parker. Just a regular guy with his own problems that being a super-hero can’t actually solve. Money woes, relationship problems, shitty jobs, health issues, inner demons, and so on.

And if you ever read Spider-Man comics, you know that Peter Parker has a lot of friends and supporting characters, people that he depended on even though as Spider-Man he was protecting them: Mary Jane, Aunt May, nemesis turned friend Flash Thompson, friend turned nemesis Normal Oswald. And then there was Gwen Stacy, the girl he failed to save…

So the moral of this superhero story is, don’t forget that when your subs give you great power, they are also giving you great responsibility for their well-being, their mental and physical and financial health, and so on. And remember that they aren’t just faggots, worms, lo$ers, cucks, or whatever else they might be in the power exchange dynamic. They’re also potential friends, lovers, confidents, and people who can otherwise lift you up and help you through rough times.

So use your power over them wisely.