So earlier this week, a cute boy hit me up on one of the apps. We had a good chat–he said he was a fairly novice submissive who was finally accepting that he needed to serve a man. He was interested in some of the stuff I enjoy and vice versa, his limits were mostly acceptable and there was room for negotiation on others. I had the afternoon free and so I suggested that we meet up for coffee at a chain that was close to where he lives and happened to be near where I was going to be.
About half an hour before our scheduled meeting time, he fell silent, but not in a particularly pointed way–he just didn’t reply to my last message. I get to the coffeeshop about 5 minutes early, sit down, and discover that he’s completely blocked me.
I have no idea why he blocked me, but the most likely scenario is that, as a novice sub, he got scared to meet someone who was willing to let him explore his fantasies of service and panicked.
What frustrated me, beyond the simple rudeness of blocking me rather than actually cancelling, is that he said he’s been reading my blog. If he’s read it in any depth, I’d hope he would have learned that I’m very understanding of boys being scared. It’s a topic I’ve discussed several times on the blog. I do what I can in my initial interactions with a boy to demonstrate that I’m safe and trustworthy. That’s why I always meet boys first in a public setting–it reduces the risk I’ll do something unreasonable and affords them the ability to leave if they get uncomfortable (which, to date, has never happened).
The lesson here is, mostly for subs but also for novice doms, is that if you get really nervous about meeting a play partner, don’t just block them. Doing that cuts off all possibility for future discussion. Sure you can unblock the other guy, but now he’s probably irritated with you and will be less receptive to something in the future if you calm down.
The ideal thing to do is meet and make clear early one that you’re not ready to play yet. That way you can still have a conversation about what you’re interested in and see how things go. Telling a dom you’re not ready to play yet is actually a useful thing to do because his reaction to it will probably tell you a lot about whether he’s a good dom for you. And meeting in person might help you decide one way or another whether you’re ready to take the next step with him.
If actually keeping the coffee date feels too scary, don’t just block him. Message him and cancel. It’s the polite thing to do so you’re not wasting his time and it allows for the possibility to continued discussion, which allows him more opportunities to demonstrate he’s worth playing with. If you have to, make up an excuse, but it’s better to just be honest and admit you’re still a little scared.
Novice subs have a reputation for being flaky, and this is the sort of thing that contributes to that perception. A lot of times flakiness is really just an inability to manage the fear of actually getting your desires satisfied. But as I’ve said to many novices, everything you want is on the other side of your fear, and you’re the only one who can work through that fear. Until you find the courage to push past that fear, you’re not going to be able to be the sub you want to be.
And boy, if you’re still reading my blog, unblock me and let’s talk.
Leather-Bound Press 