Recently I was chatting with a boy on a gay hypnosis site. We weren’t really a good match. We were located in different parts of the country, so it was unlikely that we were going to meet up in person, and what he wanted to do online didn’t truly serve me in any way; basically he just wanted me to be a kink-dispenser so he could pretend to be a slave without actually doing anything that would benefit me. He showed no interest in doing anything I was actually interested in. So I politely told him that I didn’t think we were a good match.
But he continued messaging me over the course of several days, talking about how hot I was and how he wanted me to mindfuck him. I pointed out that there were probably a lot of doms in his area who might be interested in playing with him, because he lives in one of the most well-known gay enclaves in the country, but he insisted there weren’t any real leatherman or hypno-doms in his area. I tried not responding, hoping he would understand that I wasn’t interested in playing a role in his fantasies, but he persisted. So I again politely indicated I wasn’t interested in playing.
After that, he started insulting me. He indicated that he thought I was probably a straight guy pretending to be gay and that I was probably not actually a dom in anything but my own fantasies. So at that point, I had to block him.
There’s an important point to be made here. No one owes you their sexual attention or ministrations. It doesn’t matter what your gender is, whether you’re a top or a bottom, or what your particular kinks are. No one owes you sex or service or a role in your fantasy.
Everyone knows that this can be a problem for subs. There are lots of inexperienced or incompetent doms who cold-call subs, starting off a message with verbal abuse, a demand for submission, or telling them “I own you now.” Finsubs are particularly likely to get these kinds of messages on Twitter. These inept doms are sometimes just assholes, but often they are just unsure how to initiate a power exchange dynamic, because the porn emphasizes that this is how it should work. So some of these guys could be decent doms but no one has cued them in to how it works.
What’s less commonly discussed is that this is also a problem for doms. Over the years, I’ve gotten many messages from subs who decided that I was their perfect master and that they were going to serve me, even if I didn’t particularly want to be their dom. Sometimes I felt like they just wanted a kink dispenser. Sometimes I wasn’t comfortable with the scene they wanted to do or a particular kink of theirs. Sometimes I felt it was unlikely that we could ever meet up. Sometimes I just wasn’t attracted to them. Prodommes often have problems with this, particularly from guys who want to play but don’t want to have to pay for it.
And I get where these guys are coming from. In most corners of the kink community, there are way more subs than doms, so many subs have trouble finding anyone who will play with them simply because they can’t figure out how to compete for attention. Sometimes these subs are elderly or overweight or have other features that cause guys to blow them off impolitely. Sometimes these guys have extreme kinks and can’t find anyone willing to indulge them. The gay community can be ferociously ego-bruising to guys who aren’t perceived as attractive, and I can imagine this makes some subs particularly desperate and frustrated. But I’ll say it clearly in case anyone isn’t quite getting what I’m saying.
No dom owes you their dominance, no matter how sexy they (or you) are.
Getting turned down sucks. Trust me–I an VERY aware of that fact. But part of being sexually active means learning how to handle rejection. When someone turns you down, it’s ok to be disappointed. But take it gracefully. Thank them for considering playing with you. If they give you an opening to keep talking, you can, but don’t do it assuming that it’s really a promise of interest. Maybe they’re just being nice, but maybe they find you interesting but just not a compatible play partner.
The corollary to this is that if you decide to turn someone down, do it politely. Remember they’re a person too, with the same range of feelings and needs that you have, and remember that you’re going to get turned down too at some point. Be considerate of the fact that they may just be inexperienced at hitting on people or unsure how to present themselves in a good light or whatever. Don’t just ignore them–no matter how bad a match I think I am with someone, I try to always respond with a polite decline and I’ve had lots of guys thank me for that courtesy, which is apparently uncommon. Politeness costs you nothing and in a small community like the gay kink community, it can help your reputation.
Side note: the issue of women turning men down is more complicated. LOTS of women tell horror stories about the challenges of turning guys down: the guy gets angry and insulting, the guy stalks them, the guy gets violent, and so on. Women often find themselves in a damned-if-I-do-damned-if-I-don’t situation when they say no. So I totally get why politely declining a guy can be a minefield for women. So straight guys, everything I’m saying here goes double for you when a woman turns you down. Be cool with it, no matter how badly you wanted to sleep with her. If you want women to not play games and just politely say they’re not interested, you have an obligation to pay it forward and not only accept the polite no but teach all the other straight guys you know to accept it too.
A benefit to accepting the polite no is that maybe at some point in the future, that no might become yes. Maybe after they get to know you through friendly chatting, they’ll start to be attracted to you. Maybe they get interested in your kink or you’ll get interested in theirs. Maybe a mutual friend will suggest they take another look at you. None of that is guaranteed, but if you’re an asshole to them after they say no, it’s guaranteed that it won’t happen. The guy who was a dick to me on the hypnosis site has no chance of me ever changing my mind about him, especially since now I can’t even see his profile.
So don’t be that kinkster who can’t take a polite no nicely.
Leather-Bound Press 