As I said in a previous post, subs should be time-makers, not time-wasters for their doms. Their presence in a Dom’s life should open up his schedule by freeing him from mundane, uninteresting tasks, like doing the dishes, so he can focus on more important or more enjoyable activities, like his hobbies.
Consequently, subs should, in an ideal world, not bother their doms with unimportant matters. If a decision isn’t important, the sub should make the decision without having to ask the dom about it. In that sense, a good sub is a lot like an administrative assistant. They should learn what the dom wants, what his rules and goals are, and then make choices accordingly about how to achieve those goals within the rules. Obviously some doms are more inclined to micromanage than others, but this principle still applies; if a dom wants to decide what shoes the sub is going to wear to work, by definition that choice is important.
The problem is that doms and subs often have very different ideas of what’s not important. For many doms, non-important things are the small mechanical issues. Should the floor be swept or vacuumed? Should the dry cleaning be picked up before or after work?
Subs, on the other hand, often struggle with putting things into their proper perspective and properly assessing what their dom thinks is important or not. Because they want to please their dom and make his life better, they may exaggerate how important a minor issue is. As one slave once said to me, “screwing up your breakfast is as bad as driving your car into a tree.” From my standpoint, these are two very different scales of impact, but to him, any degree of failure was catastrophic.
On the other hand, subs, because they feel small and unimportant (or want to), have a tendency to minimize the importance of their own needs and feelings. They are inclined to sacrifice their own comfort to please their dom, and that can lead them into neglecting important self-care (like downtime or personal hobbies). More importantly, when they are struggling with unhealthy feelings of worthlessness, inferiority, or other negative emotions, they may be inclined to downplay situations when they genuinely need help and support. They are inclined to stuff away thoughts like “I’m worthless, my dom can’t possible care about me”, when in fact those are moments when a sub needs to seek support and reassurance from their dom.
Alex is a good example of this. His basic instinct is that he’s not worthy of my time and attention. He starts to feel bad when he thinks I’m spending too much time talking to him. “You have more important things to do, Sir. I shouldn’t waste your time.” I frequently have to remind him that if I’m talking to him, it’s because I choose to, not because he’s forcing me to. I’ve mentioned that when he first left the hospital after his surgery, his idiot brother basically dumped him at cheap hotel with someone looking in on him twice a day. It was an incredibly risky situation for Alex, who wasn’t capable of taking care of his basic needs at that point. I was furious with his brother and spent a great deal of time trying to get Alex the care and attention he really needed. But Alex kept telling me “it’s ok. I don’t want to bother anyone.” So despite the fact that Alex could very easily have died in that situation, he thought his problem was unimportant.
What does this mean in practical terms. If you’re a sub, it means that you need to remember that, no matter how worthless you are in your dynamic with your dom, you are still a human being with needs. Your needs have to get met, and if you are struggling with something, you need to bring that to your dom and ask for support, guidance, more time off, or whatever it is that you think will help you. Your basic needs and mental health are by definition important. If your dom doesn’t understand that, you should seriously think about finding a new dom.
If you are dom, you have to pay attention to your sub and figure out when his scale of importance needs adjustment. You may have to order your sub to do self-care. You may have to order him to tell you when he has certain thoughts so you can reassure him. One of my slaves is inclined to trash-talk himself a lot. I have said many times, “Don’t beat yourself up, boy. That’s my job.” And when your sub comes to you with something they are struggling with, you need to treat it as important. Subs make time for us, which means that we have an obligation to make time for them when they need it.