One of the most common situations I run into online is a sub asking some variation on “how do I find a master?” There’s no guaranteed formula for this, but there are some basic strategies that will significantly improve your odds of finding someone to serve/play with. (Although subs come in a wide variety of types, from casual play to 24/7 slavery, I’m going to assume that you’re looking for something along the deeper end of the pool. Much of what I have to say can easily be translated to those seeking more casual power exchange, but I don’t want to exhaustively discuss every contingency.)
The place for any would-be slave (or any other flavor of submissive) to start is crafting a clear profile. There are lots of sites where you can set up a kinky dating profile–Fetlife (which allows very detailed profiles but isn’t really set up to be searchable for dating), Recon (probably your best option), Collarspace (although that site has had lots of ups and downs), Scruff, even Manhunt (although that site has been slowly getting less and less relevant–I’ve barely even looked at it in a couple of years). As you set up your profile be clear about the following things:
- What do you want? If you want to be a slave, offer a clear sense of what that means to you, because different people mean different things by that. If you want to be used sexually, say so. If you like the idea of forced workouts or handing your income over to your owner, explain that. Being clear about what you do and don’t want is really important in finding a master who is a good fit because his desires and yours need to line up. If your idea of slavery is sexual service and a Dom’s idea of slavery is lots of domestic chores, you’re not going to be well-matched. So a clear explanation of what you’re seeking will save you a lot of wasted time.
- Explain whatever experience you have. If you’ve done some subbing and want to go deeper, identify some of the major things you’ve tried. If you’ve never done BDSM but are certain that hardcore slavery is what you’re seeking, say that. If you’re still a virgin, be honest about it and explain what you think you want to try. Some masters only want experienced subs, but others are happy to train novices. So don’t assume that your lack of lack of experience is a deal-breaker.
- Figure out what you can offer a potential master: do you have experience as a slave? Do you have useful skills (such as cooking, domestic chores, handy-man skills, accounting, etc) that would make you interesting to a master? Subs can serve in a multitude of ways, so advertise the ways you can make your Dom’s life better.
- Think about ways you can make yourself more appealing while you search. Take a class on cooking or massage. If you have debts, work on paying them down. Make sure you’re able to offer the services you are promising–if your master expects you to be self-supporting (and most will), make sure you are.
- This one is a bit controversial. If you’re not in great shape physically, think about building an exercise regime to lose weight or put on muscle. Slaves who are in good shape physically tend to get more attention than those who aren’t, particularly in the gay community. While this is unfortunate (all sincere slaves deserve a master, and love ought to be more than skin deep), as I see it, you’re competing with other would-be slaves for what seems to be a limited supply of masters, and that means that more physically fit slaves tend to have more options and get more attention.
That said, don’t set your sights unrealistically high. Figure out a level of fitness you can realistically achieve and maintain and then trust that the right master will like what he sees. Some masters seek out twinks, others love muscle boys, and others like chubby guys, so don’t assume that if you’re overweight you have to completely transform yourself before you can begin your journey into submission.
Another reason to think about physical fitness is that sticking to a fitness regime takes dedication and focus, which are qualities that are also necessary for successful slavery. So a boy who shows he can stick to his workouts is also demonstrating qualities that suggest he’s serious about his submission. But fitness is not the only way to demonstrate those qualities.
- Make sure that your profile has at least a couple different pictures of you that are reasonably representative of what you look like. They don’t have to be nudes, but they should give someone looking at your profile a general sense of what they might get if they meet you. All the dating sites emphasize that profiles with pictures get a lot more traffic and responses than profiles without them.
When I look at a profile, I want to get a sense of what the boy looks like. That means ideally a face pic and a body pic (clothed or unclothed). I don’t necessarily care what your dick or your ass looks like–I assume you have those*–so unless yours are particularly remarkable, they’re not really selling points. No master seeking a slave is going to take you on primarily based on your asshole. If you don’t feel comfortable posting your face pic (I get it, you might have to be discrete for work or family reasons), explicitly say that you have pics to send upon request. If you contact a master, seriously think about sending those pics with your first message. Don’t expect a master to agree to meet you sight unseen. It’s just not going to happen.
What you -shouldn’t- put in your profile is a lot of generic pics of subs in bondage, sex toys, cartoons, internet memes, or other things that aren’t you. Every dom I’ve ever discussed this with agrees with me on this point. Lots of pictures that aren’t you send a message that you’re not actually serious about finding a master. Cartoons and generic porn pics send a message that you’re really just looking for an outlet for your fantasy life. Lots of dick pics, asses with toys in them, and the like send the same message. So if you’re serious about finding a master, take those pics off your profile–they’re really hurting your search.
- Think about your profile like an advertising campaign, because it is. The product you’re selling is you. An empty profile is like a brown cardboard box labelled ‘Stuff’ sitting next to brightly-colored packages giving a detailed look at what’s inside. Most kinksters seem to agree that there are more masters than slaves, and that means the slaves most likely to find masters are the ones who are thinking intelligently about how to market themselves. Be one of those intelligent slaves.
- If your profile isn’t getting the sort of responses you are hoping for, reassess it. Are you being clear about what you want? Are you saying something that might be turning people off unintentionally? Are you trying to hide a serious but obvious flaw? Are your pictures bad? Is your spelling and punctuation poor (and believe me, that can make a huge impact)? Try changing things. Tinker with the wording of your ad. Ask a friend to help you take some pictures. Ask that friend to look over your profile and critique it. Ask a kinkster you respect to give you some blunt advice on it. Reassess points 3 through 6 and see if you can improve.
Be aware that you’re not likely to find your master the first time you meet a dom. Kinky dating is just like vanilla dating that way. The odds of any one meet being the right guy for you are low. You have to kiss a lot of boots before you find your Prince of Darkness. Settle in for the long haul. Most experienced kinksters will admit that they took years to find the right partner, and many are still looking. If you meet a dom you find interesting but maybe not perfect, consider short-term service, or just a few play dates, and see what you can learn about how to serve, what you do and don’t want, and what having a master is like.
Have fun, and be serious about safety.
* Obviously, trans boys will not have dicks. If you’re trans, think about saying that explicitly in your profile and if not, disclose that fact very early in the conversation. If a prospective master needs his boy to have a dick, you and he are a bad match and you want to know that early on so you don’t waste your time and energy or his. You deserve a master who will accept and love your whole body and your trans status isn’t something you should have to apologize for or hide.