I’ve been incredibly busy with work, and it’s been eating at me that I haven’t posted recently. But I found time to finish a post I had started almost a year ago. So this post is going to be about something that I run into regularly with subs.
I long ago lost track of the number of times that a sub told me basically this scenario: “I’m a submissive guy but my (male or female) partner is vanilla. I do everything I can to make them happy. But they don’t dominate me because they don’t understand kink/they disapprove of kink. I can’t tell them what I want/convince them to dominate me. I feel so unhappy/so unfulfilled/like I want to cheat/like I want to die.”
The details always vary of course. Sometimes this would-be sub is suffering in silence, struggling to find a way to talk to a partner they feel certain wouldn’t understand or accept their submissive needs. Sometimes they’ve tried to get their partner to dom them but it doesn’t work because the partner either doesn’t like doing it or just comes across as fake or too hesitant. (“Was that too hard? Should I spank you now?’)
And often when I ask about the relationship dynamics, it’s clear that there’s a lot of unspoken power exchange going on in this vanilla relationship. These submissive guys try hard to keep their partners happy, either by doing a lot of chores or by playing a relationship role they’re not comfortable playing (like being ‘a real man’). They often let their partner set the terms of the relationship or the couple’s sex life. The sub often has a higher libido than their partner so they feel sex-starved and suffer in silence because they don’t want to ask their partner to engage in sex and they don’t want to upset the applecart by asking for an open relationship. Sometimes the partner is actively domineering in an unhealthy way. (A boy I know in a long-term vanilla relationship discovered that his partner had thrown away almost the boy’s entire toy bag and leather wardrobe.)
Submissives are submissive because they are willing to sacrifice their comfort for their partner’s happiness. Although this is primarily on the level of sex (they’re willing to be tortured because it gets their Dom’s dick hard), for many subs it also crosses over into other facets of the relationship; they let their partner make the big decisions or control the money, they do a lot of chores, they let their partner pick the movies and the restaurants they go to, etc.
And that is a very beautiful thing about subs. Their ability to put their partner ahead of themselves is a key part of the magic of what makes BDSM work. But it also gets many subs into the problem these boys I’ve described run into.
In a properly-functioning dom/sub relationship, there is a conscious flow of power between the dom and the sub; both partners willingly consent to it. It works sort of on the analogy of an electrical circuit. A dom directs their dominant energy to the sub and the sub receives that energy as something they need. It brings them satisfaction, pleasure, and vitality, because they can convert the dominant energy into submissive energy. And then they return that submissive energy to the dom, who receives it as something the dom needs. It brings the dom satisfaction, pleasure, and vitality. And the dom converts it into dominant energy and returns it to the sub.
In other words, a successful dom/sub relationship sees the pair creating a power circuit where each receives what the other gives and then returns it in a new form as what the other needs. Each one feels he’s receiving more energy than he’s giving out–that’s the magic of a healthy power exchange dynamic. Because it’s conscious power exchange, when the relationship hits a snag, they can talk about it and hopefully find a solution to the problem that satisfies them both, even if they don’t both get what they want.
However, when subs don’t have a kinky partner to form that power circuit with, something else sometimes happens. They try to form that power circuit with a vanilla partner, or even a non-sexual partner, such as a parent or sibling. And the partner they choose (boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/parent/close friend) becomes the recipient of that submissive energy. The sub serves the other person because that’s what subs crave doing. It’s instinctive for them; many learn to be service-oriented long before they hit puberty. They want to please because their instincts tell them that by pleasing someone else, the other person will complete the circuit and give them the dominant energy they need to feel satisfied and happy.
The problem is that if the partner isn’t kinky, they often don’t recognize the sub’s submission for what it is, and they generally can’t provide the dominance the sub needs to complete the circuit. So when they receive submissive energy, they might be grateful for what the sub did for them, but they can’t convert that energy into dominance because they aren’t dominant. And because the sub isn’t being explicit about what they’re doing (and may not realize it themselves), the two of them can’t talk about the issues to fix the problem.
The result of that is the sub gets pulled into a situation where they are serving their partner but instead of getting what they need, they just get taken advantage of in ways that frustrate them because they can’t get the actual dominance they crave. So they find themselves in a pattern where it’s simply expected that they will sacrifice for the other person and they feel guilty if they don’t do it.
I once knew a cashfag who loved meeting me and wanted to do regular cashmeets. But almost every time we would schedule something, he would wind up cancelling because his parents or his sibling would find out he had the day off and would just expect that he run errands or watch their kids or do a chore around the house, and he felt he couldn’t say no to them. And yes, I know some of that might have been an excuse to chicken out, but I had enough talks with him that I could tell he was frustrated because it was clear he genuinely wanted to serve me but couldn’t figure out how to break out of the dynamic he had fallen into with his family.
Dealing with this situation requires that the sub do something very unsubmissive. He needs to set boundaries with his partner/spouse/whomever and start prioritizing his own submissive needs. If the other person is parent or sibling, the sub needs to recognize that he can’t form a proper power circuit with that other person because it’s unhealthy and because the proper power circuit involves a sexual dynamic (even if a Dom and sub aren’t actually having sex, they’re doing something arousing). So they need to say no enough to be able to find an appropriate partner to do power exchange with. That doesn’t mean never helping out mom and dad; it just means not letting those obligations stop them from finding a partner.
If the other person is a vanilla partner, they need to have an open conversation about what isn’t working with the relationship and what they need to get their needs met. In some cases, they might find the partner isn’t quite so vanilla after all and can learn to be dominant. I’ve talked to a few guys who were convinced their wife/girlfriend would be horrified and when they finally worked up the nerve to have a real talk, they found her willing to explore.
More commonly, they need to accept that their partner is vanilla and simply unable to meet their submissive needs. While some people are vanilla because they never had a chance to explore their genuine desires, I think it’s more common that vanilla partners just aren’t kinky; they’re not wired to be dominant.
In a case like that, there are only two realistic options if the sub wants to have a satisfying life as a sub. They can either open up the relationship and get permission to find someone to serve, or they can agree that the relationship isn’t going to work and split up so the sub can find a more satisfying relationship. Opening the relationship up can definitely work–there are lots of people who have a master/mistress on the side. But that requires the vanilla partner to have the maturity to accept that they aren’t meeting their partner’s needs and that letting the partner find a side arrangement isn’t a threat to the marriage.
If the partner isn’t willing or able to open the relationship, the only real option for the sub is to end the relationship. Sure, the sub could try to do it behind the partner’s back, but that comes with all sorts of complications that make it hard for both the sub and any prospective Dom to really enjoy a power exchange dynamic. And hiding a power exchange relationship from a partner means that the dynamic can’t progress very far and may ultimately break down. And that’s not to mention the moral complexities of cheating on a partner. Ending the relationship might be unpleasant, but so is having a relationship explode when the partner discovers what’s going on.
And in my experience, the kinds of guys who find themselves falling into this trap of serving a non-kinky partner are generally the kinds of guys who absolutely need to be in a serious power exchange relationship. They need it so much that they try to create it where it can’t really work. They’re unlikely to be happy without some measure of serious power exchange, so in my opinion the pain of breaking up and seeking a suitable partner is preferable to the pain of living a deeply unfulfilled life. But obviously, that’s for each sub to decide for himself.
And as I said, speaking up for themselves is something most subs find extremely challenging, because it goes against their natural submissive instincts and it creates conflict. The partner might push back by getting angry or refusing to talk about the issues. That’s natural whenever anyone tries to change an existing power dynamic. But unless the sub can find the determination to set boundaries and challenge the unhealthy dynamic, they’re unlikely to find a way to get to the healthy dynamic they need.
Leather-Bound Press 