Bi at Pride

I have a good number of friends who identity as some degree of bi/pan. They often tell me that Pride events are complicated for them. Although they enjoy them, these events can also trigger feelings of doubt, uncertainty, confusion, or unworthiness, because they are in hetero relationships. They worry that perhaps they are not ‘bi enough’ to be members of the LGBT community. This post is for them. And for you, if you fall into this group. 

If you think you’re bi, you’re bi and you’re part of my community. I don’t care if you’ve never kissed another person of your gender. I don’t care if it’s been two or three decades since you dated a same-sex person. I don’t care if you’ve gotten married to a hetero person and had kids with them. If you feel you’re bi, you’re part of my community and you belong at Pride events as much as I do.

You’re not less bi because casual observers think you’re straight. You’re not less bi if you feel sort of invisible because of your romantic choices. You don’t have to “decide which side you’re on”. You don’t have to “make up your mind” or “stop sitting on the fence”, because sexuality isn’t an either/or matter, but a spectrum of desire. You’re not being indecisive —you know who you’re attracted to and who you might have sex with under the right conditions, and you don’t need to advertise that unless you want to.

My gayness didn’t turn off when I was single, and your bi-ness didn’t turn off because you chose an opposite-sex partner. Your bi-ness doesn’t turn off because you don’t advertise it. You don’t owe anyone your coming out as bi.

Bi-phobia and bi-erasure are problems I stand against as much as I stand against homophobia and lesbian bashing and the horrific violence against trans people. Your confusion and your apologizing for “hiding” and your uncertainty about whether you “count” or are “really” part of the community are symptoms of our oppression as much as the legal barriers to my marriage used to be.

Pride is about claiming your authentic sexual identity. So don’t hesitate to attend the Parades and the Picnics and the Pridefests and all the other events if you want to, and don’t let anyone tell you that you don’t belong at them. These events are for you. For YOU.

You’re part of my community and I will defend your right to belong to it. You’re beautiful and I love you.