Recently, during a conversation with a boy who was lamenting that hot guys only talked to him when he sent them money, I said, “don’t invest in a dom who doesn’t invest in you.” And I think that’s an important enough point for subs to think about that I figured I’d write a whole post about it.
The specific context of this was findom. The boy was sending more money than he wanted to send to findoms who would generally tell him what a loser he was and then ignore him until he sent them more money. The result was a very one-sided dynamic where he felt he was paying these guys to talk to him briefly. He enjoyed the verbal abuse at the moment, but when the erotic thrill wore off, he felt bad because the insults he was paying them for felt accurate–only a real loser would pay hot guys to insult him.
So when I said “don’t invest”, I was sort of punning on the idea of investing money in a stock. He was financially investing in something that was never going to pay anything more than a momentary payback, so his ROI was very short-term, and it came with a significant downside–it made him feel shitty about himself.
I think this is extremely important to think about with findom. A majority of findoms (certainly those operating in the gay findom scene, which is what I know, but also probably straight female findoms as well) are not kinky, and are are essentially sex workers. Finsubs pay them for a service and when the finsub isn’t paying, the findom ignores them, the same way a hairdresser or housecleaner only provides their service when they are being paid. Some may develop some degree of rapport with a finsub and provide some interaction free of charge, but many findoms in the gay male scene operate basically on a pay-to-play model. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that, as long as the finsub understands what he’s getting and is ok with that. But I think most finsubs want something more, a deeper sense of connection to a hot guy that isn’t simply pay-to-play, because most finsubs can’t afford to constantly pay to chat.
It’s far better for a finsub to look around for a findom who doesn’t operate on a purely pay-to-play basis. Those of us in this scene who are motivated by kink more than money are often very willing to develop a dynamic with a sub that goes beyond findom while still including it. When a boy tributes to me regularly, he gets my attention not just when he’s sending but also when I’m free to chat. He gets verbal abuse, but he also gets advice and guidance, encouragement to achieve his personal goals, and other facets of my attention. In other words, I invest in him the way he’s investing in me, and we’re building a power exchange dynamic that includes but isn’t limited to him sending money and gifts. And I’m definitely not the only findom like this. Quality findoms invest in their boys and help them succeed.
Finding a findom who invests in his subs is extremely important. Because findom typically involves some degree of verbal abuse or eroticizing of inferiority, it needs to also involve moments that affirm the sub’s moral value, because otherwise it tends to erode the finsub’s sense of confidence and self-worth. And this is enhanced if it’s done as pay-to-play, because then it literally is just paying for verbal abuse and humiliation.
But that slogan doesn’t just apply to findom. It really applies to all kinksters. Any dom worth being served ought to reciprocate the sub’s service and devotion in some way. Power exchange is just that–an exchange. Both parties give and both parties take, just in different ways. It is easy for subs to get drawn into serving doms who don’t reciprocate in some way, and while it may not be as directly corrosive as it can be in findom, it can certainly become problematic for subs, who are naturally inclined to sacrifice their own comfort and happiness for their dom. Giving lots of time and energy to someone who is not giving anything back tends to eventually leaves subs drained emotionally.
So don’t invest in a dom who doesn’t invest in you.
Leather-Bound Press 