A boy contacted me this morning and asked me, “I’m just curious here. What is ethical findom?” The boy has an established presence on Twitter as a cashslave, so he wasn’t just wanting information about findom–he already knew what it was. He wanted to know how ethical findom differed from findom as it’s commonly practiced on Twitter. And that struck me as a good subject for a blog post.
Findom, for those who aren’t familiar with it, is the use of money as a tool for power exchange in an erotic context. A ‘cashslave’ or ‘cashfag’ will give money or presents to his ‘cashmaster’ as a way of expressing his inferiority to his cashmaster. While the practice is ancient–it goes back at least to ancient Greece– in recent years it’s exploded online, and a lot of people who are not particularly kinky have used it as a form of sex work to make money. This has given rise to a wide range of seriously problematic practices, such as findoms pushing their cashslaves to ruin themselves financially, blackmailing their subs into continuing a relationship against the cashslave’s consent, encouraging subs to get high so they lose control of their tributing, and intentionally seeking to damage a sub’s mental health, for example by making them feel that they’re so pathetic that the only way anyone will pay attention to them is if they send money.
As a result, there is a burning need for the establishment of a basic standard of what is and isn’t acceptable in findom play, the same way the rest of the kink community has developed standards of play (such as making informed consent the bedrock of kink play). Since I come to findom as a kink, not as a form of sex work (which, to be clear, I am not condemning), it feels absolutely natural to me to approach findom from an ethical perspective, and I’m rather appalled by some of the crap I’ve seen and heard about in the online findom community.
So what is ethical findom?
Ethical findom is doing findom with ethical standards intended to protect the sub’s basic financial well-being and mental health.
It’s helpful to look at the basics of ethical kink in general. Take impact play–using crops, canes, floggers, and so on to hurt a boy. The goal of impact play is to create hurt, not harm. I want the boy I’m beating to feel erotic pain, but I don’t want to actually injure him. So I only want to beat a boy who consents to be beaten. I only want to hit him in places where it’s safe to hit him. I need to provide the boy with safe words or other ways to slow down or stop the play when he feels he needs that. I need to look out for him as I beat him to make sure that I’m not potentially harming him even if he’s not telling me to stop (for example, a boy being flogged may go into subspace, a euphoric state where he can no longer feel pain, which means I might be injuring him and he wouldn’t use his safe word). When the scene is over, I provide him with aftercare, to help him come back from his submissive headspace (unless he indicates he doesn’t want that).
The same basic standards apply to findom play. I only do play with boys who are willing to sent tribute. So things like blackmail are unethical (not to mention highly illegal), unless the boy has requested a blackmail dynamic (consensual blackmail is still legally risky for the dom, but some subs crave it).
I want my cashslave to feel the sexual charge of tributing (that might be humiliation or the thrill of talking to a hot dom or the satisfaction of serving me well), but I don’t want him harming himself financially, for example finding himself unable to pay his rent or falling deeply into debt just to tribute. So unless a boy just wants a brief one-off tribute moment, I always discuss the budget he has to work with so I can stop the play when he hits the limits of his budget. If I know that he can only afford to send $100 a month, I’ll stretch out the play over the course of the month, maybe only demanding $10-15 at a time. That way he can have the thrill of me pressing him to tribute but knowing he’s safe because I won’t push him beyond what he can afford. The focus becomes not the amount of money I’m taking but how we get there. Do I seduce it out of him? Do I humiliate and verbally abuse him? Do I use hypnotism so he feels like a literal ATM dispensing money from my “account”?
If my cashslave indicates that he’s got an unexpected expense, I adjust my demands instead of trying to force him to send what he can’t afford. During the Covid lockdown, I reviewed my boys’ budgets and adjusted expectations accordingly. And I reassured the ones who had to sharply reduce their tributing that they were still important to me and continued to chat with them without taking tribute, or taking only very nominal tributes. One of my most memorable sessions involved taking half an hour to demand $1; the boy literally got so worked up that he spontaneously orgasmed hands-free when I finally allowed him to send it.
I provide aftercare. Literal aftercare usually involves cuddling and things like that, but obviously that doesn’t work very well online. So my version of aftercare is simply talking to the boy after the tribute is over, demonstrating that I care about him as a human being and not simply as a wallet. When my boys are feeling frustrated or scared or angry about something in their lives, I listen to them and offer support and advice. I often ask them about their goals in life and then start pushing them to meet their goals. One of my boys recently expressed interest in setting up his own business–basically taking what he did professionally and doing it more as a freelancer than for a company. So I asked him what the first steps in that process were and then told him that I would be expecting a progress update in a few weeks. I had another boy who wanted to lose weight, so I ordered him to tribute me the cost of the coffee-drinks he said he was consuming too often, helping him reduce his calorie intake. Since subs are generally eager to please their doms, that allows me to help encourage them to achieve their goals.
In other words, I try to build a dynamic that fits my needs and my cashslave’s needs and makes him feel valued and cared about. I seek to be more than a financial parasite, helping the boy grow not just as a cashslave but as a human being. Of course, every boy is different in terms of what he wants and, in my opinion, what he needs. One of my boys likes to do ‘silent sending’, where I don’t acknowledge it when he sends money to my account. It makes him feel small and unobtrusive, which feels right for him. But I make sure that every couple weeks I reach out to him and demonstrate that I do see his tribute. When he sends gifts, I always post them on Twitter.
In my mind, ethics are what separates findom for ruthless exploitation of a sub. As a superior man, it’s my job to let a sub explore and indulge his desires while protecting them from the more destructive tendencies they can often have. It’s common for subs to fantasize about financial ruin, so I’ll sometimes incorporate the idea into a scene, boasting about how greedy I am and how badly I’m going to ruin them, but that’s the findom equivalent of a sadistic dom boasting about how much pain his masochist is going to be in. I enjoy letting a boy worship my greed, the same way I enjoy letting my cruel urges come out during a humiliation or pain play scene, but as a dom, it’s my job to know how to restrain those urges so I don’t actually cause harm with them.
I’ve had a couple of boys who had the resources to tribute very substantially, and we’ve discussed ways for the sub to sacrifice for me, for example by cooking at home and not going out to an expensive dinner so the boy can send the money he would have spent at the restaurant. But I’ve always made it clear that there are limits to what I’ll allow the boy to send, and when I discuss budgets I always make sure the budget includes money for savings and money to buy friends birthday presents and so on.
Obviously there are ethical grey areas in findom, just as there are in other aspects of the kink scene. Another findom might draw his ethical line a bit more broadly or a bit more tightly than I do. There are ethical questions about the use of intoxicants during play, about things like consensual blackmail, about what sorts of things a cashslave should or shouldn’t be willing to sacrifice, about how much he should let his tributing restrict his socializing, and so on. These are issues that each findom has to resolve for himself and on a case-by-case basis with each boy. But I think the broad outlines of ethical findom are fairly easy to discern once the findom starts thinking about them. And I think the parallel with other forms of kink play is extremely important, because it allows us to isolate the ethical issues for consideration.
The discussion about ethical findom is still, I’m afraid, in its early stages. The idea that ethical findom is an actual thing is not as wide-spread as it should be (which is one reason this kink has such a bad reputation among those not in the scene). There isn’t a consensus yet among ethical findoms about what the basic standards are, although I know it when I see it. So if you’re in this scene, I definitely want to hear from you. Feel free to post in the comments! And look for the #ethicalfindom hashtag on Twitter.
Leather-Bound Press 
i enjoyed this article very much, i have engaged in findom in a number of different ways, i always considered tribute whether as an in person gift or online as a form of findom, often i will tribute without being required just to show enjoyment, i have had a Dom who previously did not ask for tribute demand tribute during an intense session and this was constantly demanded until I had a tremendous orgasm and the amounts each time were not huge but did end up somewhat substantial (for me) and it was a very thrilling engagement…
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Sounds like a very fun scene! Obviously without any sort of discussion that can get out of hand, but as a one-off with a dom you knew and trusted, it sounds satisfying
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Thank you for the great post. I see lots of women’s profiles on fetlife mention findom. I’m not particularly interested in money myself as a kink, it doesn’t do anything for me. I’ve been wondering what the fuss is about, though. I have come across a man who pretended to be a woman and blackmailed men via findom – not ethically. So I’m relieved to hear that at least you are talking about ethical findom. I wonder if women are doing it just to get gifts, or because they actually feel turned on by it. I confess I considered it, if it would have meant I’d get lingerie and sex toys, but it doesn’t feel right for me. I wonder how many people consider the ethics of it before they start.
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If I had to guess, I’d say the majority of findom/mes are vanilla people seeking to make money. It’s certainly true among gay findoms. There’s nothing wrong with that. But because they’re vanilla, they typically have not thought about the ethics of power exchange or how to do it safely and without harming the sub.
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I think most findoms view this as way to make money, not as a kink. Those of us who get into it through kink probably consider the ethics more deeply than those who are just chasing money.
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What a load of crap to write.
There is no such thing as ethical findom.
It can NEVER be ethical to demand or expect other people’s money by gaslighting, extorsion or whatever method you use to drain your victims.
It will always be an exploitation of weak people who suffer from one or more addiction syndromes, personality disorders and are mentally unbalanced.
And you and your like-minded people take advantage of them.
Calling it ethical is only an alibi for your own warped conception of morality and ethics, and to protect yourself from your lack of conscience.
There are many types of fetish but only one has accumulated as much ugliness in human nature as you represent.
And only one fetish has accumulated need for online support groups for victims of findoms. There are no support groups for anyone like other fetishes or kinks.
As a sub in BDSM, I know exactly how to play all our games in BDSM.
And I can easily tell a real Dom from a fake one, who is typically trying to play up to a role he thinks is naughty or kinky.
You, boy, are the lowest type of whore.
Lower than a pusher who sells fixes to his drug addicts and claims that they chose their addiction and that you don’t feed it.
And you dare call it ethical?
Get the hell off where you belong.
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The same arguments apply to most forms of bdsm. So if you reject findom as consensual kink, you’re also rejecting impact play and many other forms of BDSM.
“There are many types of fetish but only one has accumulated as much ugliness in human nature as you represent.”
Patently untrue. There are many doms, especially in the straight community, who have raped their subs. Power exchange has caused all sort of horror stories. Google “Dylan Hafertepen” for one example of how these things can go wrong.
And none of that is to deny that lots of unethical findoms are out there. When I run across them, I feel obligated to call them out, because the damage they do is considerable. The problem is not the form of play but doing it unethically as a way to make money (which is why the bad ones generally do it) instead of for the kink of it.
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Well, boy, if you really dont do it for the money, then donate it to RedCross or similar.
Or send then back to the victim. Otherwise it is NEVER Ethical, and by mention other unethical behavior in BDSM does NOT make Findom ethical.
The ugliness is taking advantage of people systematically, like you do. Just like drug addict is taken advantage of, and are driven into addiction deeper and deeper.
A good drugdealer also adjust his prices to keep his cusomers alive and able to pay. Jsut the same as you do.
That is even uglier than a rape during a scene going overboard.
No other kink than Findom is addictive, according to lot of research in behavourism wihtin Internet-,sex-, and gaming addiction.
.
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There’s no such thing as sex addiction. The concept was invented in the 1970s as a tool to push back against the sexual revolution, and it’s mostly promoted by conservative Christians as part of purity culture and their anti-LGBT efforts. It’s not a recognized disorder—no licensed clinician can diagnose it formally and insurance companies don’t cover the treatment. The ‘research’ on it is riddled with methodological errors.
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Well,boy, What do you know..
The World Health Organization may know more than you.. As in all your views, you are mistaken, and adjusting your info to justify your own misbehaviorism.
https://www.healthline.com/health/sex-therapy
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9295232/
https://endsexualexploitation.org/articles/statement-world-health-organization-recognized-sex-addiction-pornography-addiction-next/
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Addiction involves an outside substance—alcohol, narcotics—entering the body and altering brain chemistry. That doesn’t happen with sex, so the addiction model model doesn’t apply. That is not to say that sexual activity cannot be obsessive or compulsive, but that’s a different model. And -that- is what the WHO supported, not sex addiction. And the WHO’s decision was highly controversial.
Studies have repeatedly shown that men with ‘sex addiction’ don’t engage in more sex or different kinds of sex than other people. But they feel deep shame about their sexual activity. Which is what the whole model was invented for—it’s about shaming people for unacceptable sexual desires, and that why Christian conservatives talk about it and promote it.
Here’s an article that talks about some of the problems with the model: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/sex-addiction
One reason I oppose the sex addiction model is that a lot of unethical findoms promote the idea of finsubs as addicts who have no control over their behavior—“you’re an addict so there’s no point in fighting it, just send more”. They use it as a way to shame their subs into sending more. It also allows them to justify not focusing on their sub’s mental health, not limiting what their subs are permitted to send, and to not feel guilty about exploiting their subs. And some subs embrace the idea of findom as an addiction and the idea of unethical findom. So somewhat ironically your argument here is right in line with unethical findom.
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And one thing I like about findom is that it allows me to donate to charity a bit more freely than I might do otherwise.
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How very convenient, again to protect your consience.
Or would it be all the money, after income tax ? If not it is no way ethical.
Anyway how much money are we talking about ? 500.000 USD yearly ? 100.000 ? 50.000?
Or let me ask you ,now we have establised you are not doing it for the power of it, but solely for the earnings, since you are keeping it. Do you pay your taxes ? Since you talk about ethics.
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So I find it interesting that your arguments against findom are essentially just kink-shaming. They all amount to “this is bad because I think it’s bad”. That same argument applies equally well to every kink you practice, and I guarantee that conservatives will gladly tar you with the same brush you’re using on me.
So really, you don’t have any basis for your position except your subjective moral outrage. And I stopped caring about other people’s moral outrage when I decided to come out of the closet.
Everything I do, I do with the full consent of my subs, and my finsubs actively seek me out and ask to tribute. I don’t coerce them in any way and in fact I’ve actively refused to accept tribute when I thought taking it would harm the sub. I set limits on what they can tribute based on our discussion about their finances, expenses, and so on. I expect them to pay down their debts and do not allow them to incur debt in order to tribute. I require them to be fully sober when they tribute to ensure their consent is meaningful.
And to answer your question, yes I pay taxes on the tribute I take (which is far, far less than you imagine, but thanks for the compliment). It’s legally income, so it has to be declared.
And we have not established that I’m doing it for the money. You’ve resorted to putting words in my mouth, which means you’re no longer trying to argue objectively. So have a good Sir.
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