Don’t Be That Kinkster 5

A couple weeks ago I met with a novice sub for coffee, after chatting on Scruff. We hit it off and agreed that we had a lot of kinks in common. So we decided to play and I did my usual negotiation with him. I asked him a lot of questions about what he did and didn’t want to try, made clear my interests, and talked about limits. I made sure he understood ideas like consent and safe words and that I would respect his choice to stop the scene if needed to. 

When it came time to play, I stayed well within his limits as I understood them. I made sure that nothing I did was too heavy–I wanted to get a read on how he responded to various things I was doing, and I didn’t want to scare him. He responded pretty enthusiastically. After we were done, we cuddled and discussed what he had liked about the scene; he seemed pretty happy with him. We discussed the possibility of playing again the next week. 

If you’re an experienced dom, you probably know what happened next. 

He disappeared. 

He stopped checking his Scruff account. He didn’t block me, but he didn’t respond to my message the next day or a message a couple days later when I expressed concern for how he was doing. 

As a result, I’m left not knowing what the situation is. There are a lot of things that could be going on. A) He could have panicked and run away because he’s overwhelmed by the feelings our play unleashed. B) He could feel disgusted with himself for doing something with a guy or for being submissive. C) He could have been upset that I did something he didn’t want. Although I did my best to understand what he did and didn’t want, it’s not impossible that I did something that struck him the wrong way and he was upset but didn’t want to say so. D) He might have had a family emergency that is keeping him busy. E) He might have gotten hit by a bus and wound up the hospital, or something severe like that. F) His work schedule might have exploded and he just hasn’t been able to get online to check his messages. G) Some other unforeseen situation might be causing an issue for him. 

Obviously, in the absence of actual information, I have no way to know what the truth of the situation is. Unless and until he reaches out to me, I am stuck in limbo with him, hoping he’s well and that I didn’t create some sort of problem for him. Maybe he’ll contact me, maybe he won’t, in which case I’ll just have to live with the uncertainty of the situation.

When you’re a novice sub, you should always reach out to your dom within a day or two of playing with him, assuming that he didn’t do something that really made you feel violated and uncomfortable. There are a lot of reasons you should do this. 

1. It’s simple politeness to tell him that you enjoyed the scene and appreciated that he gave you his time, energy and dominance (assuming you did enjoy the scene). It’s like messaging someone after you had dinner with them to let them know you had a good time. It opens the door to planning further meet-ups if you both want them. And ghosting someone without a decent reason is rude.
2. As a sub, you should generally engage in simple shows of respect for your dom. Out of all the potential subs out there, he decided to give you a chance to serve, and you owe him your gratitude.
3. In the day or two after a scene, it is not uncommon for a sub to feel down, depressed, or moody. This is called “subdrop”, and if you’re experiencing it, the dom can often help guide you through it or reassure you that you’re ok. I usually try to talk to my new boys the day after a scene to make sure they aren’t dealing with subdrop.
4. If there was a problem (such as you weren’t comfortable with something he did), this is an opportunity for you to explain that he upset you. This gives him a chance to apologize, understand what he did wrong, and learn to be a better dom for you. Obviously, this doesn’t apply if he did something really egregious, intentionally violated a clear limit, or did something that made you feel frightened or unsafe around him. If a shitty dom intentionally violates your limits, you do not owe him an explanation of why you don’t want to interact with him again. 
5. If you don’t contact him, he may, like me, be wondering if you’re ok. While not all doms are concerned about the well-being of boys they’ve played with, many of us are, and a simple note to let him know you’re ok will often be appreciated. 
6. Often, once you’ve done a scene, you’ll start to understand what you really want to explore in terms of kink (or what you really don’t want to), and now is a good time to suggest what a next scene might look like.
7. You don’t to get a reputation as a sub who just plays and disappears. The kink community is small, and both doms and subs are likely to talk about play partners who did odd or problematic things. 

For all these reasons and more, I encourage you to reach out to a dom a day or so after you’ve played. 

Update: The boy eventually contacted me briefly to tell me that he’s just been super-busy with work. I’m glad it wasn’t anything more serious than that.