One of the challenges for novice doms is simply figuring out how to structure a scene and where to start. Domming is to a large extent about confidence, and being confident in what you’re doing the first time you do it can be really tough. So how is a totally novice dom to start getting the experience he needs to be a good dom?
One option is to find a mentor who can teach you, let you watch him play with a sub, and let you co-dom with him. Another option is to follow a simple script for a scene. That’s the point of this post. It offers you a framework for a first-time session that inexperienced doms can adapt to their own play. I’m gay, so I’m going to assume both participants are male, but if either dom or sub is female, this script can work with a few small adjustments around genitals. I am also going to assume that you’ve done some reading about basic safety precautions for bondage and pain play and know what a safe word is. Also, think about getting a riding crop, for all the reasons I explain here.
Start out by having a conversation with your sub. Find out what he wants to try and what he wants to put out of bounds for the moment. My advice is to leave anything really heavy or frightening out of your first session. This is about discovering the pleasures of power exchange, so you want simple forms of play that will help you build up your confidence. After you’ve talked with your sub, don’t play right away. Wait a day or two to build some excitement and help you plan things out. Don’t try to rigidly script your session, but maybe come up with an outline to follow in your head, something to fall back on when you’re not sure what to do next. Identify a few things you’d like to do to your sub that fall within the boundaries of what he’s interested in.
1) Have the sub come into your presence. You can either stand or sit, but you should be dressed. Wear something that makes you feel confident, something you feel you look good in. Despite the clichés in the porn, that doesn’t have to mean a suit or a cow’s worth of leather. Order the sub to undress, item by item (“take off your shirt. Now take off your shoes and socks…”). There are a couple reasons to do it this way. A) It begins the process of establishing that you are in control and the one giving the orders. This helps create a momentum that will get you into the headspace you both want. B) A good dom gives clear specific commands. If you just say “take off your clothes”, the sub may be uncertain whether to start with his shirt or his shoes. He has to decide which one you mean, and subs generally don’t want to have to choose; they want to obey. C) A slow strip/reveal allows some erotic tension to build.
2) When the sub is naked, approach him and inspect his body. Touch him, caress his body, make a few comments about what you like and what can be improved (unless your sub is really insecure about his looks; don’t do this with a chubby sub). Get to the sexual parts last. Make him bend over and display his ass. Finger his asshole. Squeeze his cock and balls or nipples. This idea here is to objectify the sub’s body and establish that his body is your plaything. Take your time with this whole step–it builds tension and excitement and makes it clear that you’re playing at your pace, not his pace. Staying clothed while your sub is naked reinforces the power differential. Pay attention to his body language and his breathing–these are good clues to what things you’re doing that are turning him on. In general, subs will tend to get very still when they are being touched; it’s an unconscious way to signal their desire to receive what you’re doing. So if the sub’s body language becomes ‘quiet’, don’t worry. That’s usually a good sign.
3) Order the sub to kneel. Ask him if he wishes to serve you for a few hours. Give him a safe word. (I often say “If I don’t hear that safe word come out of your mouth, I’m gonna do whatever I feel like to you.”) You could do that before step 2, but I like to put it here, because sub’s nudity will reinforce the statement of submission. Then order the sub to worship you. The sub is to caress your body, lick your boots, rub his face in your crotch, talk about how wonderful you are, and so on. This part may feel awkward if you’ve never had it done before, but again, this is about establishing your superior position. You can tell the sub how to worship you or you can let the sub do what he’s inspired to do. Hold off on getting any oral service for the moment–build the erotic tension by denying him that for the moment. I often tell the sub that he’s not convincing me he’s glad to be there, so he needs to work harder.
If you or your sub is interested in boot worship, this is the time to do that (assuming you’re wearing boots). Make him start the process by licking your boot. I usually wait a minute and then say “you can do better than that, fucker” and push his face into the boot. That almost always get the sub to lick more enthusiastically. Once he’s done with one boot, make him switch to the other boot. When he finishes that one, allow him to work his way up to your crotch.
4) When you’re ready for oral service (getting head), draw the sub’s head to your crotch and ask him if he wants to suck/lick/finger you. When he says yes, tell him you don’t think he’s eager enough. Make him beg for it. Remind him what a reward your cock is, and he’s going to have to give you his best service if he wants to get that reward again. You can draw this out–make him beg to see your cock, then make him beg to touch it, then beg to kiss or lick etc, etc. Sometimes I grip the sub’s hair and hold his face just an inch away from my cock, to tantalize him. You can order him to use just his tongue to start with, then let him add his lips, then his fingers. If you like humiliation play, tell him he’s not doing a very good job, or give him instructions about what you particularly like. Again, this reminds him of who’s in charge.
As I see it, cock worship is different from just a blow job. If you let the sub just suck you, he’s probably going to just focus on getting his mouth around your dick and working it. That can be a lot of fun, but it’s only one dimension of cock worship. Cock worship is about not just pleasuring the cock but adoring it, luxuriating in how amazing a good hard dick looks and feels and smells and tastes. A blow job can be a submissive act, but it doesn’t have to be; there are very dominant ways to suck dick. But cock worship is all about power exchange; it emphasizes that the dom is expressing his masculine power in a very primal way and the sub is savoring that masculinity and power. So don’t let the sub just suck you. Make him lick and kiss your dick. Make him bury his nose in your pubes and inhale. Make him give some attention to your balls. Getting a blow job feels good; getting cock worship feels powerful.
5) Once you’re satisfied with the oral service you’e gotten (but before you shoot your load), give your sub some attention. This is the time to tie him up, or spank him, or do whatever forms of play he’s said he’s curious about. Before you do a particular form of play, make sure you’ve done a little bit of reading or watching a video on how to do this safely. In some cases, like blindfolding, basic common sense will usually get you through, but if you’re doing any sort of impact play, you need to know where not to hit the sub. If you’re doing rope-work, you need to know how to recognize when the ropes are too tight. So make sure you’ve done your homework on whatever form of play you intend to try. You’re in charge, so safety is primarily your responsibility.
6) Once you’ve done whatever kinky play you chosen for a little while (maybe 15 minutes), get more specifically sexual with him. Stroke his cock, suck it, use a toy on his ass, make out with him. Then go back to kinky play, and alternate these. Build up his arousal this way, but don’t let him cum. Make it clear that he doesn’t get to cum until you give permission. Throw in more sex–oral service for you, fucking him, whatever you enjoy and he’s consented to.
7) When you’re ready to finish, get yourself off (in your preferred fashion) first. If you like humiliation, consider cumming on his face or making him lick your cum off you. Then make him beg for permission to cum. Let him get himself off or get him off yourself. There are two reasons to do it in this order. A) It re-affirms your dominant position. Your pleasure comes first. B) Some subs’ ability to be submissive declines sharply after orgasm; they just lose the desire to submit. (This is not universally true, but I’ve run into it many times.) Their ability to handle pain also probably declines. So letting the sub cum first may leave the sub struggling to finish the scene.
8) Once your sub has cum, play is over for this first session. Untie him if he’s still tied, remove any pain toys (like tit clamps), and proceed to aftercare. Ask him what he liked the most, what he wanted more of, and what he liked least or would have liked to be done differently. Share your own feelings about what you liked and didn’t like. Talk about what you might like to add next time. This conversation is important; as a novice dom you need this feedback to learn how to get better at your craft. If your sub tells you that he really loved the verbal abuse you were doing, that’s a sign that you can increase it next time. If he didn’t like the bondage, find out what he didn’t like; maybe you can do it better (make it more strict, perhaps) or maybe it’s a sign that bondage isn’t his thing.
Obviously there is a lot of room to customize this script according to your particular interests and limits. Don’t rush this session, but don’t go much over an hour or two, even if things are really going well. You want to finish with both of you eager for more. Likewise, don’t try every form of play you’re interested in–try one or two things. Tie him up and spank him; next time tie him up, blindfold him, spank him and torture his tits. The idea here is to slowly explore, add one or two new things each time, until you’ve built up a repertoire of things to do and you’ve developed the confidence to play without planning things out.
If you’ve got questions about how to get started as a dom, feel free to ask them. I’ll be glad to answer or offer suggestions if I can.