Don’t Be That Kinkster 6

Just as I was wondering what I should write about for the blog, a boy came along and gave me the material for a post! He posted on FetLife that he was seeking a master, and I messaged him to ask what he was really looking for.

Initially his posts indicated that he was seeking TPE and was interested in some of what I like doing–findom, hypno, control. But then he pretty much opened up a red flag shop. He told me in fairly short order that he

• wasn’t very experienced
• had been blackmailed by a previous findom
• desperately wanted to serve me however I wanted
• started calling me ‘Master’ (and occasionally kept at it even after I told him that I wanted him to call me Sir for now)
• felt incredibly weak toward me and knew I would be a good master for him
• loved me
• begged me to claim him

And it pretty much went downhill from there. He barraged me with messages of devotion–5-7 messages between my replies. Then he “accidentally deactivated” his account. Since I couldn’t message him, I went to bed, only to wake up to a half-dozen more messages sent in the middle of the night begging for a response.

This is pretty much a textbook case of how not to approach a prospective dom (although technically I approached him first). The fact that he wasn’t very experienced is ok–most prospective subs aren’t, and I don’t consider that a strike against him. Nor is having a bad experience with a findom itself a strike–there are far too many shitty guys out there who do unethical findom and give the kink the bad reputation it has. But those two things together began to paint a picture that almost every successive respond confirmed.

This boy was so desperate to serve someone that almost as soon as I showed any interest in him, he began making wild assumptions about who I was as a dom, what role I would play in his life, and how happy he would be serving me. Despite being inexperienced, he immediately wanted to leap into the deep end of the kink pool with me, despite my attempts to point out that he didn’t really know me and didn’t really know what TPE would feel like (so that he couldn’t actually say that he wanted it, just that he thought he wanted it). He made inappropriate declarations of love and devotion toward someone he had had only one conversation with, making it clear that he was responding not to me as a dom but to some idea of me as a perfect dom.

In addition to the fact that he was clearly focused on his own fantasies and expressed little interesting in knowing what I wanted (an issue I’ve discussed before), the boy’s desperation was unattractive to me because it suggested that he wasn’t attracted to me just to the thought of any dom using him. It suggested that he felt profoundly unattractive and unwanted. It’s common for boys to feel inferior, like a dom is way out of their league. That’s sexy inequality, erotic unworthiness. But desperation is unsexy inequality, a sense of having nothing to offer whatsoever.

That sort of unworthiness is probably something to be addressed with a therapist, not a dom. Serving a dom won’t magically fix the deep sense you’re not worthy. To be a good partner in kink, you have to have your shit together on a very basic level. Otherwise you become an albatross around the Dom’s neck, pulling him down and draining him of energy. Obviously no one has all their shit together, but if you feel truly desperate, you’re probably not in a state where you can be a contributing partner in power exchange, and in fact some elements of power exchange can be quite unhealthy if the sub isn’t mentally prepared for them.

So when you approach a dom, it’s ok to feel intimidated and unworthy of them. It’s ok to crave humiliation and verbal abuse. But don’t give off an aura of total desperation. Control yourself enough to genuinely listen to the dom and try to put your best foot forward so you’ll be considered for play.