Don’t Be That Kinkster 2

Continuing the theme of things kinksters shouldn’t do, I figured I should tackle something doms occasionally do. 

I have heard so many subs complain that doms will contact them and make one of two mistakes right off the bat. Their first message to the boy either 1) demands the boy serve in some particular way, despite being a total stranger to the boy, or 2) employs a lot of verbal abuse, calling the boy a “faggot whore” or something like that. Novice Twitter findoms often manage to do both of these at once. 

But subs like rough treatment. They enjoy verbal abuse and being given orders! So what’s the problem here?

There are a bunch of problems with this behavior. First, not all boys enjoy verbal abuse. I’ve known boys, even quite submissive boys, for whom verbal abuse was either a turn-off or an anger trigger. Many boys want to feel respected and appreciated. Some may enjoy verbal abuse but might want their dom to ‘earn’ that right by demonstrating strength of character, basic skills, or other qualities the sub feels worthy of submission. So leading off with verbal abuse is a good way to turn off a lot of boys who might otherwise have been receptive to an offer to play. 

More importantly, this sort of approach violates one of the cardinal principles of power exchange, namely that power exchange starts with the sub. A submissive offers control to a dom; a dom does not take control from a sub. Attempts to simply take control and give a sub orders are likely to violate the sub’s right to consent and negotiate before he submits (unless his profile makes clear that he’s willing to receive orders from strangers or something like that). 

Similarly, verbal abuse right off the bat violates a sub’s right of consent (again, unless his profile makes it clear he enjoys that sort of treatment). It suggests that the dom does not respect the sub as a human being, which in turn suggests that the dom won’t respect limits, may do things the sub genuinely doesn’t want, and isn’t concerned with the sub’s well-being. 

When I approach a new sub, I always start off respectfully, unless his profile explicitly describes himself as a ‘fag’ or ‘worthless trash’, in which case it’s pretty clear he doesn’t want courtesy. I typically start with a relatively neutral “hey, boy” or something similar. If he responds, I pay close attention to his language. If he replies with something like “hi, Sir”, I know he is willing to chat with some degree of power exchange. Then I ask about his interests and kinks and start to see if we’re compatible.

If I’m interested in going a little deeper, I start probing to see if he’s receptive to verbal abuse. I might explicitly ask if that’s something he enjoys. If he’s throwing off significant submissive vibes, instead of asking, I often introduce verbal abuse like this:

“You’re not a real man, are you, boy?”

“No, Sir, I’m not.”

“You’re a pussyboy, aren’t you?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“I’ll bet that made your cock jump.”

“Oh, yes Sir!”

“I thought so. I can spot you faggots from a mile away.”

This approach is a bit like a bid in Bridge, where the two partners are communicating in a coded way, trying to figure out where they line up in terms of strong suits. Each of my lines in this script is about testing the waters and leading up to verbal abuse. When the boy gives a positive response to my first question, I take it a step further, and introduce a fairly mild (and not culturally-loaded) term to see how he likes it. His positive response tells me he’s likely to enjoy it if I get rougher, so then I trot out one of the harsher words.

If, on the other hand, his response to my first question doesn’t buy into the loaded premise, I back off. So if he says something like “I’m a man. I just like getting spanked,” he’s making it clear that he doesn’t want verbal abuse (or doesn’t want it with me yet). Basically, if I hit any resistance to my first question, I back off or I switch to a more explicit discussion of whether he enjoys verbal abuse. Sometimes a boy just needs to build more trust before he consents to verbal abuse.

Why do it in a coded way instead of just a blunt discussion? Because it’s sexier and playful and because it shows a perceptive sub that I’m paying attention to his responses, which makes me look like the kind of dom who can be trusted during play. It also has the virtue of guiding the sub by teasing out his submission. So it’s a form of flirtation.

Doms who make their first message a demand for service or torrent of verbal abuse are often showing their lack of experience and understanding of how kink actually works. It’s often a sign that they haven’t really had a successful session with a sub and think that they’re supposed to be hyper-aggressive right of the bat. Some subs (particularly guys who see themselves as ‘fags’) may respond to that, but judging from the number of complaints I hear subs make, a majority of them don’t respond well to it. 

So don’t be that dom who thinks that subs should serve him just because he demands it. That might work in the porn, but in real life it’s generally a failing strategy that turns off potential subs. Go in polite and win the sub’s consent before you start being demanding or abusive.